Humans are weird
by csThor
Summary: Kolot ponders the strangeness of human mating rites and how they frustrate him.


**Author's Note:** This is the second of two little humorous vignettes I wrote shortly after finishing "Reevaluation". It won't make sense unless you have read "Reevaluation", though, so it might be prudent to read that one before (if you haven't done so already *grins*). It's set some time after Chapter 6. Have fun! :)

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Character: Kolot (modified Ewok male)

**_Humans are weird_**

Humans are weird. I don't think I will ever be able to understand that awfully complicated species. And to be honest – I'm not sure I really want to. Not that I am any closer to some perceived 'normality', whatever state of being that may be.  
But I swear these two humans are the absolute worst. I really wonder how their species could manage to become so widespread in this galaxy if all of them adhered to mating rites this complicated. I mean it's obvious they like each other, even more than that. I swear if they don't get moving soon I'm going to go ballistic from irritation.

There they are again. Holding hands, stealing glances at each other and exchanging what humans call a kiss. What a horrible practice, so endlessly unhygienic. Brrrr …. I have to get out of here. Maybe I should return to the _Fair Trade_ and let them be.

I know why humans are so blasted frustrating. I mean I am used to moodswings. I've had them for years, thanks to those scientists and their meddling with my body's biochemistry. I know how it is to swing from a fit of fiery rage to the deepest and darkest pools of depression. And back. Been there, done that. I can't recommend the experience. But this woman, my Captain, is … I tell you – she's brought this whole moodswing stuff to a completely new level.  
I've known her for a few days only and I am already aware of knowing two very different women inside that body. Or maybe three, if you include that business persona. The first one I got to know was the silent and brooding Kirney. She would be sad for reasons I cannot even begin to understand at times when it confused the fur off my hide. I mean we're alive! We got off that hulking monstrosity of a warship in one piece, even though that escape was a lot less straightforward than it could have been. We've got a ship, we've got credits, we've got a home and a purpose in life. What else did she want?

I asked her about it, but she waved my concerns off. Yeah. _Riiight, sister!_ And I am Emperor Kolot of Endor, ruler of the galaxy.

There's obviously some heavy history for her to conquer, and maybe it also involves him, but I haven't been able to find out what really happened. I asked Tonin, but he's been unusually uncommunicative about the whole issue. That made me rather suspicious, because that round-capped trashcan is usually a lot less hesitant to dump his drivel on me. What's the point of that secrecy? How am I supposed to work with Captain Slane when they're keeping such things from me? Not that I'm looking for a job as a headshrinker, certainly not for humans, but it would be pretty nice to know why Kirney is how she is.  
All of that moping was slowly driving me nuts, and I was really close to knock some sense into her, when he showed up. He seemed a good match, at least as far as I can assess that, being rather quiet and calm himself. Or so I thought. He showed up just after we got back from Mon Calamari and _BANG_:Kirney drags him out of the office and disappears. Without telling me a thing. Without shopping for supplies. And without cooking me a decent lunch. What am I supposed to think of that? Can you tell me?

I was really pissed. More than that. But I won't repeat my exact thoughts here … there might be youngsters in the audience. I survived, thanks to _Tillan's Take-out Food_. It took me a while to convince the girl taking my call that I was indeed serious about ordering and that her friends were not playing tricks on her. Argh! Sometimes I hate being an Ewok.

Kirney was back the next day, after noon, and in no shape to cook a decent dinner. She even had the nerve to mumble something about rationbars. I repeat – she mumbled something about _rationbars_. I could have spared myself a lot of mulling if I had asked her if she was inebriated. Which, of course, she still was. To a certain degree only, but that booze was still at work. I could smell it. But that wasn't the worst. It was yet to come. I mean we're supposed to set up a shipping business. But she was fully occupied fawning around that man, who is giving me strange looks every time he sees me. What's up with him? Never seen an Ewok?

Now it's been a week since he wandered into _our_ office, at least the way Tonin told the story but I don't trust that bucket of bolts any further than I could throw him with the powers of my mind. This week has shown me the other Kirney and I must admit I almost miss the sad and brooding one. The new one is driving me madder than ever before. She hardly looses that silly grin of hers, her new trademark. I wish I could blaster it from her face. All that sappy stuff she's doing ... Is that what human mating rites are about? That grinning, smiling, dreaming ... well I could live with it. But she even dared to give me a hug. And a kiss! Sweet sookie's maiden aunt! Am I some giant stuffed animal she can use to cuddle at night – when _he_ isn't there, that is – or her co-pilot? I hate being treated like that. I did not bite that security freak for nothing.

There she comes – my source of frustration in person. She opens the door and says, "I'm off with Myn, Kolot. Don't wait. It's gonna be late."

I wave her off. Yeah, whatever. As long as they don't think about dragging me along I'm more than happy to see them go away. I'm almost looking forward to the day when he'll have to return to wherever he came from. I managed to find out that much ... it's only another ten days of this insanity left. Then – hopefully – Kirney will become normal again and we may get something done with our business. But until then I will have to clamp down on my urges to kill one of them ... or both. It would be immensely satisfying to blaster that goofy grin off his face, but I somehow suspect my Captain would not be as pleased as I'd be. Oh well ... it's only ten days.

But there's one thing that worries me for the future. When they are together they have weird expressions on their faces. While I'm no expert on human facial expressions something is telling me that those mean trouble. I have the definite feeling that one day _he_ will be back. For good. Maybe it was not that good an idea to stay with Kirney.

My stomach rumbles and reminds me of some more pressing matters. I approach the cooling unit and look for something for dinner. Or maybe it was a good idea to stick to her. The cooling unit is nicely filled ...


End file.
